The Secret to Life
Vice Admiral James Stockdale and the Statesman John McCain know a little about enduring life’s most difficult moments. Have you ever wondered how they endured 7 or 8 years as Prisoners of War and multiple occasions of torture? You won’t need to agree with their politics to recognize they are spot on.
I think it was already in McCain’s genes to be a fighter judging from his record as a Senator — and that can’t be ignored in this discussion — but his will to live came from his will to fight for his values, his family, and his country. His life serves up critical lessons for those of us who are still trying not to be frustrated with our daily struggles. From John McCain’s final address before his death:
No man ever had a more loving wife or children he was prouder of than I am of mine. And I owe it to America. To be connected to America’s causes — liberty, equal justice, respect for the dignity of all people — brings happiness more sublime than life’s fleeting pleasures. Our identities and sense of worth are not circumscribed but enlarged by serving good causes bigger than ourselves.
The former POW and Stateman understood there were things outside of himself that were greater to live for than the problems of the daily grind. Apparently, he stayed focused on his passion for America, his love of family, and his rock-solid values. We can learn from him.
Even Stockdale whose own ordeal provides us with specific and practical advice. From him, we get the Stockdale Paradox. Dr. Dennis Charney, a psychiatrist says the key survival mechanism for Stockdale and his fellow POWs was the ability to combine realism with optimism. He says, “The Stockdale Paradox really defines the optimism that is most important in becoming a resilient person and that is, when you’re faced with a challenge or a trauma, you look at that challenge objectively. You might make the assessment, ‘I’m in really big trouble.’ You have a realistic assessment of what you’re facing. On the other hand, you have the attitude and the confidence to say,
‘But I will prevail. I’m in a tough spot, but I will prevail.’
That is the optimism that relates to resilience. The Navy Vice Admiral turned politician understood a thing or two about what he could control and what he couldn’t. We can learn from him, too.
What is the secret then?
It is a simple as a thought and as difficult as a change of habits.
The secret to life is truly about what you can control and influence as well as what you should not give time or effort to.
What I can’t control
I have a perpetual calendar that reminds me every year that worry is like rocking in a rocking chair. You spend a lot of time in motion going nowhere.
Each year, I think I get better at not worrying. I truly believe this. It is because I’ve chosen not to spend much time thinking about what could happen. Rather I’ve replaced worrying and fretting with spending my time thinking about what I want to happen and how to make it happen. Yes, the problem that is presented may still be there, but I choose how I’ll think about it.
Here’s the truth: Bad things will come your way. In the multitude of possibilities, we are assured that we will face problems — some short-term, some long-term, some that are critical and cause trauma, some that are just chronic annoyances. But let’s be clear. This is the human condition.
Spending even a minute of time worrying about what might happen is a complete waste of your psyche not to mention the use of adrenaline and cortisol. However, acknowledging the possibilities and planning appropriately for them is not such a bad idea.
Case in point: We live in tornado alley. We have the likelihood of tornados from about March until October give or take a few weeks and unusually mild weather for the season. If you don’t have a place to go when you hear that siren, you are living in denial. While a direct hit doesn’t happen often, you must be prepared because of the killing potential of such a storm. We have experienced one direct hit at our home in 36 years and 2 while working in the nearby town — which by the way followed identical paths just a couple of years apart. (That’s the day you want to buy a bunch of lotto tickets, right?) We don’t have a basement, per se, so we have had to improvise with a little corner of our garage which is dug into the hillside and surrounded by concrete blocks. It has a few blankets, flashlights, gallons of water, and an emergency radio. Oh, and some playing cards. Nothing like a game of euchre to take your mind off the storm. Each year in late winter, I check the batteries, replace the water and I make my husband go down there and clear the spiders and their webs. Other than to be weather-aware, we don’t think about tornados during this time.
How would you apply that to your current fears right now? Tell me which incident was made easier to bear by your worrying?
Here are things you can’t control:
- When you will be sick, injured, or incapacitated, nor how. Or that you will get old. Face it, if you’re lucky to add birthdays, you will surely look like it.
- The weather, the climate, nor the seasons
- People and their faithfulness to you.
- Things breaking down. It is inevitable that you will have to buy another car eventually unless you own a mechanics and body shop and know how to use all the tools. I don’t have that time, nor am I interested. It’s why we buy things.
- Bad things that have nothing — zero — to do with you. Pandemics, business closures, earthquakes all have the same thing in common and it’s not you.
What you have influence over… maybe:
There are few things that you might be able to influence but that is sketchy at best.
- Depending on your beliefs and your behaviors, you MIGHT be able to influence another person. Be sure they walk away from you a better person.
- Depending on your beliefs and your behaviors, you MIGHT be able to influence an organization. Be sure you leave it stronger than when you came.
- Depending on your beliefs and behaviors, you MIGHT be able to influence your physical environment. Be sure it looks better, more inviting than before you started.
What you can control:
“…depending on your beliefs and your behaviors…” What are those? If you ask John McCain or James Stockdale they would tell you that these are the only things you can control. Most stories of POWs that I’ve read seem to have one thing in common: their captors were never able to control their prisoner’s thinking. The most resilient of us are able to withstand the forces of nature in our lives because of how we think and then behave! So what can you control?
You can control:
- What you believe about yourself and your ability to build a future.
- What hopes and dreams you build for yourself and how hard you will work for them.
- How you spend your time — even 30 minutes a day doing something useless adds up to 182 hours a year that you aren’t making progress toward what is important to you. (Don’t confuse this with self-care or rest!) Conversely, investing 30 minutes a day toward your dreams is an investment you won’t regret.
- What you value and how you express your values.
- How you spend your money. I’ve heard it said that if you don’t control your money, it will control you.
- Whether or not you see failure as the end or a lesson.
- Whether or not you will start something new, take the initiative, or ask the question. Get off the dang couch!
- Most important, you can control your response to others who are negative as well as events and issues that become obstacles to your goals.
Captors beware!
You can’t take my dreams away from me no matter how much you denigrate my performance, my worth, or my abilities. You will never be the final word or even the authoritative word on whether or not “I’ll make it” or “I’m worth it”. You are still finding your way and still way too deep in your own mess to judge me. My path is not your path. I will take charge of my life. I will choose strength and purpose. I will rely on the beacon within and not the one others have chosen for me to guide my life.
“You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” James Stockdale
Control what you have control over, be careful with what or whom you influence, and stop giving headspace to that which you can’t do either with. With these truths, you will be free. You will have the secret to life.
