The Buddy Push
There are moments in each person’s life when they just don’t think they can do one more thing, go one more mile, or make one more bottle.
That’s when you need a buddy.
I learned about the Buddy Push after watching Tara Crenshaw talk about how her husband, Dan, a former Seal-trained Naval Officer, helped her push through the mental wall that hit her about mile 23 of her first marathon run. Dan had joined her at about mile 19 to enjoy the experience with her. But a few miles later she admitted to him that she didn’t think she could finish. That’s when he told her about the Buddy Push he had learned in BUDS/s (Basic Underwater Demolition — Seals) training. The buddy places a hand on your back and gives a slight push. Something nearly miraculous happens! You seem to be able to move through that wall to complete the task at hand. Tara, whose husband is now a Texas congressman, related this story about the importance of relying on others in our lives.
The Buddy Push Applied
I view much of what I have done in my life with young people as a sort of Buddy Push. I recall a young woman who had been a student of mine many years before whose path I crossed again recently. We share a common faith — a belief in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior — but otherwise, our lives were very different. I met Dawn when she was sixteen as a student in my English class at the Alternative school, but it was nearly 15 years later that we would meet again. A recovering addict with much trauma from her early years, Dawn did not have all the skills yet to live a stable, productive life so she sought me out to serve as her mentor and to help her walk a new life together. We’ve talked about everything from how to manage money to managing the spurious and sometimes confusing feelings of those who say they love her. We’ve discussed leaving jobs and taking jobs; the role of fathers in the lives of her three children and much easier things like which barber to take her son to.
In essence, I give her a Buddy Push when she isn’t sure of the path she needs to take or a decision she isn’t sure about making. That little bit of encouragement that she is on the right road can be reassuring and, then liberating as she discovers that her voice is getting stronger while her intuition grows to maturity.
I have needed this, too, in my life. There are so many instances and people that have served to push me along. I recall after my father died in my twenties that I was crushed beyond words. I know that I moved mindlessly through work. I kept to myself. Spent way too many nights after work just getting in the car and driving north until I ran out of light, sobbing until my clothes were soaked. Then turning around to drive home in the numbing darkness. I know I was being quietly watched over by those I worked with — the Chief and the First Class Petty Officer in my office, first. Let’s just say they ran the office by themselves. They did their jobs competently before I got there and I know they were able to manage the details of the day-to-day administrivia while I grieved. But there were others, too, at that command in Seattle. I recall one of the Commanders from the Training Department who offered to take me up in his Cherokee, a small prop airplane, one Saturday. Something about being so far up in at high altitude was so serene and calming. Seeing the expanse of the landscape seemed to wake me up out of my torpor. I felt God in those moments and realized how many in that command really cared about my loss and cared about me. The Buddy Push ensured that I didn’t sink too low or didn’t get lost in my utter destruction. My father passed in the spring; it was fully autumn before I seemed to emerge from that darkness. If it hadn’t been for them, I’m certain that I wouldn’t have survived. They served as God’s hands to push me along each day.
A Different Kind of Buddy Push
I recall a phone call from my father-in-law early on in my marriage that was like a buddy push for me. My husband’s father was a District Judge in central Michigan many years before and remained the calm, steady voice in my life after my own father passed. I remember telling him that I was exhausted. Two little girls who were very energetic, a part-time job, responsibilities as my unit’s Training Officer in Chicago, and going back to school all were wearing thin on my energy and patience.
My husband has always been an equitable partner accepting responsibility for raising our girls and taking care of the day-to-day duties of running a household. But it was me that felt an obligation to carry this burden as “the mom and wife”. I rarely asked for his help and we hadn’t yet developed the habit of reviewing the week or day to come to ensure things went smoothly. So, my plate seemed full to overflowing.
My father-in-law’s advice was just so simple: let Ben, my husband, carrying the duties for a little while while I rested and recouped. He told me, “There will be times when he will need you to bear the responsibilities fully when he needs his own downtime.”
Why didn’t I think of that?! It really was so simple.
This was the push I needed to stop fully, NOT to keep going which could very well lead to displaying behavior that neither my girls nor my husband needed to see.
It was permission to rest so that I could pick up the torch again and run.
I’m reminded of the advice you get when you are flying. During the pre-flight procedures, you are instructed by the flight attendants to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. It’s a perfect word picture for what managing a busy family life is like. It is a reminder that you must take care of yourself before you take care of others. It gives you permission to take that run or walk in the morning, to eat lunch quietly with the door closed at work even for 15 minutes. It is the yoga before bed or the hot soak in the tub which relaxes you so that you sleep better.
What I Know Now
Self-care is important but never discount the need for the “buddies” in your life. Buddies will remind you of why you are special and why you are uniquely designed to do what you are doing. It is easy to fall into self-doubt, to become exhausted by the responsibilities of your life, but that’s why our friends and loved ones are uniquely capable of giving us that little extra push on the hard days.
Conversely, you can serve as the buddy someone needs just at the right moment. Who will it be? What do they need to hear? Maybe it’s just that they are a good mom. Maybe they need to hear, “I’m proud of you.” Perhaps, it’s “Let me do the dishes tonight while you go take a hot soak.” Sometimes it’s a quick little greeting card with some words of encouragement. These only take a few minutes to write! So often I think these things, but forget to say them.
It’s a tough world out there. We need buddies to forge on. And, we need to be the buddy for others.
